An Amoral Compass

On a scale of 1 to total(ed), how familiar are you with the Jeep Compass? Not at all familiar? I’m not surprised. Few people have run across/into this model of Jeep. You’re probably more familiar with the Wrangler, Cherokee, or even the Liberty. That’s why the Compass team at Jeep has embarked on one of the boldest marketing campaigns since iceberg lettuce conglomerates tried associative marketing with the Titanic.

The campaign goes something like this. You’re waiting at a stop sign on a Saturday thinking that you would have totally have talked to that girl at that party if she hadn’t been surrounded by people that night. And you probably should have done it any way, but it’s too late now although you know someone who knows her and maybe you’ll talk to them about her later. With this resolved, you move over the line to see around the bend in the road to your left. In this position you are perfectly poised to watch the Jeep Compass hydroplane, remarkably regain control, then hit you anyway.

As you sit there covered in glass you can’t help but marvel at how well the Jeep withstood the encounter. You sit there, shivering, as the rain and cold infiltrate your car all the while staring at the passengers in the Jeep whose engine is still running and who are warm and cheerfully awaiting the arrival of the constable.

Later on you step outside into the full force of the rain because the glass on the seats starts to dig into you after a while. There, you wait for your tow truck as the Jeep merrily zips off. And you can’t help but think you would have been better off if you’d been in that Jeep.

The obvious flaw in this campaign is that now you never want to drive anywhere ever again and you feel like you’re about to vomit every time you have to turn left without a traffic light to protect you from Jeep’s marketing team. Otherwise I think the next car I got would be a Jeep Compass. Plus, I know one that has a few scratches that the owner would probably let go pretty cheap. I’ve already got his name, address, phone number, driver’s license number, and VIN.

Do El Duel

I have been working on a review for a play I saw 2 weeks ago, and I was waiting to post it on Halloween (because the play is about a ghost) but it’s just not ready for eyes other than mine yet because it is not at all funny or interesting (my review not the play).

Luckily, an idea that is not only ready to be posted but is ready for pre-production leapt into my mind in the midst of some casual g-chatting when a friend said, “I think I've watched enough Monty Python in the last week to have duel citizenship.” To which I promptly responded, “Duel Citizenship would be an awesome show. Two people from different countries would have a duel and whoever won would get the other person's citizenship. At the end there would be one person who is a master dueler and a citizen of every country in the world.”

Because I’m sexist there will be a women’s bracket and a men’s bracket (Dual Duel Brackets). But because I’m open minded it will actually be based on your orientation, so if you are interested in men you will be in the men’s bracket and if you are interested in women you will be in the women’s bracket. If you lean towards bestiality you will be in the animal bracket. But don’t just try to get into this bracket because you think it will be easier. Remember that in this bracket you will also be going up against actual animals.

The format is a little something like this. Some music plays (Eye of the Tiger, Final Countdown, or Yackity Sax) and then out steps your hostess, Alison Brie (she may not be the most likely candidate but I think we all owe it to ourselves to help get her out of that dysfunctional, loveless, 1960s marriage and/or community college). Alison greets the audience and gives a quick rundown of last week’s events (“In the men’s bracket US fighter Laila Ali straight up murdered some Australian chick”) and then an intro for the main events (“This week Laila will face a Russian steel worker who has a wife and kids but responded a little too eagerly to the Mark Wahlberg portion of the bracket profiler. To be fair Mark shares a remarkable resemblance to his wife.”) Then the whole world sighs and falls in love with Alison all over again (not in a creepy, unrequited, stalker way because most of those people are actually in the animal bracket).

At the beginning of the fights we spin a wheel and that will determine the format of the fight (bare fists, boxing gloves, rapiers, guns, yo momma jokes etc). The show will not travel around the world but will instead take place in a neutral country. Not politically neutral but revenue neutral. We want to work in a country with a balanced budget so as to promote sound fiscal policy.

That’s what I’ve got so far. If any producers want to make any offers, just buy the idea, or set up a lunch with me and Alison please feel free to contact me. Producers who contact me by sending me their proposals written on many fifty dollar bills will be given precedence. Producers who contact me by sending Alison as a singing telegram will have their proposals accepted on the spot.