Crossing Over to the Future

For centuries it has been true that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Adam and Eve killed an apple and were exiled from the Garden of Eden. Failing to learn from this, Cain killed Able and was exiled from his lands. Failing to learn from this, Video killed the Radio Star and was exiled to basic cable.

And so for generations we have lived under history’s musty, iron fist. The few bold ones who struck out on their own soon meet with death, rejection, and indigestion; until recently, when the American education system invented a way around this archaic monster. The Cross-Credit.

The cross-credit was first discovered at a private school when a wealthy donor’s son failed to learn the rudiments of chemistry. The dean, who couldn’t give him an A and send him to the next chemistry class to fail again and didn’t want to upset his father, placed him in a botany class. “After all” he deaned, “science is science. And this kid will probably end up on drugs anyway so he may as well learn to grow the raw materials”. The boy fulfilled that prophecy and the cross-credit was born. It took years for anyone to pluck up the courage and use this method to get around a history class but now hundreds walk around with marginally more knowledge of literature and have not had to repeat their history courses.

The same principle can be applied to life after school. There is no need to call into remembrance those painful memories of the past; you just need to learn something from a vaguely associated school of thought. The woman who finds that she always dates jerks could analyze the past and learn the warning sign of the jerk, but this would require her to admit culpability on her part and cause her to leave the warmth and comfort of the blanket statement, “All men are jerks”. [Obvious sarcasm interjection: Yeah you really nailed us that time, there’s over 3 billion men in the world but with the impressive sample size of 7 you’re comfortable with that statement. Superb work. They’re all jerks. Especially that 58 year-old grandpa who is raising his orphaned grandchild: walking her to school, sitting in the cold to watch her practice soccer. That guy is probably the worst one.] Instead she can study the cross-credit about loving herself. Once she loves herself sufficiently, then people around her will feel that and also love her.

Then there’s the man who feels slighted by a string of romantic interests and could study the past and see that his philosophy towards interpersonal relationships is askew but that would mean he’d need to abandon his soothing mantra, “All women are crazy” [Obvious sarcasm interjection: Of course they are, how do they expect to put that many chemicals on their face and hair everyday and not have their mind affected? No person in their right mind wouldn’t want to get closer to an abrasive and emotionally stunted egoist.] Instead of a serious and difficult personal introspection after many a failed relationship, the man can learn to play on women’s insecurities and need for affirmation and never have to change himself.

It is seldom fun or personally gratifying to study the lessons of our past, so we should not do it. Better to find new and exciting lessons that will make the past irrelevant, putting it behind us where it belongs.