Time to Share

Today a cold chill covered my body as I realized the horrible truth; our celebrities are powerless to stop the violence between Israel and Palestine. Somehow the Israeli and Palestinian leaders are able to ignore the heartfelt pleas of the world’s most beautiful and melodic people. What they have done to impervious themselves from their siren song of peace we may never know. What we do know is that we must now look around and find a new hero to bring tranquility to the mid-east. The movie stars and music artists have done all they can and now we must look to an older, more powerful pantheon: the principles of the free market.

A brief history of the Middle East will be helpful in understanding what needs to happen next. I paraphrase the eminent historian David Barry who described the history of the Middle East, “A long time ago dinosaurs lived in the middle east. They died and were covered by sand and people who hated each other.” The principle problem is that there is a finite amount of land (including Jerusalem, the West Bank, and one of the few remaining Hardees) and two peoples who can’t agree on how, or whether, it should be divided between them.

The free market solved this sort of problem years ago. When thousands of the members of the American middle class were warring with the resort conglomerates for control of condos and duplexes, the market stretched forth its invisible hand introduced the Time Share. Time Share technology utilizes a flux capacitor to allow many different individuals to use the exact same piece of property during THE SAME YEAR!

This technology would be perfect for solving this land dispute in Jerusalem. For 15 days a year for the first 3 years and 20 days a year for each subsequent year, the Israelis will have Jerusalem during which time the Palestinians will have access to the West Bank. The rest of the year their time can be divided between Boca Raton, Las Vegas, and Vermont. Or they can use their points for cruises, flights, or pilgrimages to Mecca.

The plan will no doubt be complex and a hard sell, but the agents who sell these things are the toughest negotiators on the planet. These are people who have secured 50 year commitments from 80 year-old grandmothers on fixed incomes. This will not come without sacrifice. For months, American phones will stay silent during dinner time as every available telemarketer will be drafted into service with their auto-dialers concentrated on the holy land. But peace always comes with a price; a price that will probably be around 9,599 to get in and reasonable membership fees afterwards.