Bella of Rights

Like most Americans, I have never read the Constitution and its amendments all the way through. And I get the various amendments mixed up and I can’t remember how many were in the Bill of Rights and the ones I do know I don’t fully understand (don’t we have soldiers on some of the new state quarters and isn’t that a violation of the third amendment?).

Even so, like most Americans, I consider myself a constitutional scholar and fully qualified to decree what is and is not constitutional. You see, it’s in our blood, we don’t have to read or study the constitution to know what is and is not constitutional anymore than we have to study the molecular structure of water to know what is wet and what is dry. I don’t need to have read Hobbe’s Leviathan to know that

Author's Note: There’ s a pun I could have forced in changing Hobbe’s “Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes” (the war of all against all) to “Bellum Bella Contra Vampyre” (the war of Bella against vampires) but I think those books have done more to damage vampire mythology than anything and wouldn’t want to give an implicit endorsement.

the life of man is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short

Author's Note: A really good pun would have been “Bellum Opium Contra Omens” (the war of opium against omens) but it doesn’t really fit or even make sense, but it just struck me as really funny.

I’m 5’6 on a good day.

Author’s Note: Seriously they sparkle in the sun? Really? Everyone knows that vampires burn up in the sun, that’s why they only come out at night. If the sun just made them sparkle they’d run around all day and you’d never know who is vampire and who just got out of a strip club.

Hey Author’s Note, I’m trying to write some satire here.

Author’s Note on the Author’s Note: I’ve never actually read the books but most every girl I meet is an expert on them and I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on the changes it makes to the lore.

Seriously guys, I think this one could be really good. I felt good about the one I wrote last Friday and to follow it up with another good one would be pretty great

Author's Note: "So what can kill a vampire in the new world order?" Apparently just werewolves and other vampires. Humans don't even have a shot. No wooden stakes, your only hope is to get one to fall in love with you.

You know, now I’m just mad. If you want to write a blog about twilight do it next week. I don’t even want to finish this. I’m going to reload my old word processor that doesn’t auto-add these stupid italicized notes. And finish the post on Friday. I’m never going to get anywhere like this.

Author's Note: TEAM VAN HELSING! TEAM VAN HELSING!
Ridiculous